


The Echo of Silence

by Sasswarrior



Category: Lunar Chronicles - Marissa Meyer
Genre: Character Death, Cinder - Freeform, F/M, Kai - Freeform, Sad, Ship, Short Story, TLC, kaider, marissa meyer, otp, the echo of silence, the lunar chronicles - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22156729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasswarrior/pseuds/Sasswarrior
Summary: "But all that was left was the echo of silence."No love could ever compare to the love Kai Crown felt for Cinder Blackburn. He knew from the moment he met her that she was the one and only girl for him.But what happens to him once she's gone?
Relationships: Crescent Moon "Cress" Darnel/Carswell Thorne, Iko/Liam Kinney, Jacin Clay/Winter Hayle-Blackburn, Kai/Linh Cinder, Linh Cinder/Carswell Thorne, Scarlet Benoit/Wolf | Ze'ev Kesley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. The Only One For Him

"Cinder?" Kai called out to his wife as he walked into their apartment. Cinder had claimed she would be home at five, but the cramped living quarters were dark with apparent emptiness.

Kai closed the wooden door behind him, letting out a sigh. It wasn't uncommon for Cinder to be late; after all, she was the busiest mechanic in all of Phoenix. Kai only wished that her job didn't take up most of her time— he always missed her when she was gone.

The couple had met at ASU during their Junior year only seven year ago. Kai as a Journalism major, and Cinder as a mechanical engineer major had come together, not through common interests, but due to a mutual enemy: Pearl Lihn.

Pearl and Cinder were roomates at the time, who constantly tortured one another. They were step-sisters due to Cinder's father's marriage to Pearl's mother. Their only reason for rooming together was because Pearl's mother, Adri, claimed that it would be an excellent time for them to bond (and also to save money) while the two families were growing together. There was never any bonding.

Kai had met Pearl in English class. Her infatuation with him had started when Kai leant her a pencil. Shortly after, she had asked him on a date, and politely he had obliged. The date was awful, as Pearl talked only of herself and her hatred for her stepsister— and at the end, had tried to kiss him.

After the unfortunate date, Kai realized with horror that Pearl had left her phone in his car. He debated giving it back to her during their class the next week, but knowing that she would probably need it within the next four days, he decided to be a gentleman and bring it to her dorm.

Resigned, Kai returned the phone to Pearl's apartment, except for when the door opened, it was not the nasally annoyance, but a different girl. The only girl for him. It was love at first sight.

For Kai.

She was kind and intelligent, the complete opposite of how Pearl had painted her. Her eyes had captivated him with their brilliant sparkle, and even dressed in sweats, a greasy t-shirt, and a ponytail, she caught his eye. She wasn't beautiful, but luminous. If asked five minutes later what she said to him, Kai wouldn't have remembered— for he was too captivated by _her_.

Cinder stole his heart in a matter of seconds, and broke it an instant later as a handsome boy walked out, wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her on the cheek. Kai had never known heartbreak as strong as in that moment, even when Cinder swatted her boyfriend away from her with a wry smile.

From that moment on, Kai never stopped thinking of Cinder. He dreamt of her every night and daydreamed pictures of her during every wakeful moment. He hung out with Pearl just to be close to Cinder, and while he hated himself for using her, he couldn't help himself. He needed Cinder as much as light or air or anything that kept one alive. She was a drug, driving him to the last strings of his sanity.

Somehow, during all of Kai's creepy stalking, the two became friends. They had a lot in common, despite all of their differences. Both were raised by their single fathers; both had an intense love for books and movies, though never movies that were conceived of books; both despised Pearl, though Cinder never knew that until years later.

The day Cinder broke up with Liam Kinney was one of the greatest in all of Kai's life. He had planned for over a year how to ask her out, where he would take her, how he would tell her that he loved her. She, in opposition, got with Carswell Thorne (her childhood best friend) before Kai even had the chance.

Heartbroken, yet again, Kai continued to wait. Cinder and Thorne dated for only a few weeks before deciding that they liked each other better as friends. Kai prepared repeatedly to ask her out, and before given the chance, she was always taken before he got the chance to even try.

Kai waited time and time again, never getting the courage to ask Cinder out until it was too late. Even after graduation when Kai went to work for the _Arizona Daily Sun_ and Cinder for her father's auto mechanic shop, Kai never had the guts to ask Cinder out.

The two remained friends through all of their life paths, and Kai would've easily considered Cinder to be his best friend, even over his childhood friends Scarlet and Cress. (The were also the only two who ever knew about his undying love for Cinder). He grew comfortable around her, but even though he was the most outgoing person on the planet, she turned him into silly putty. Throughout everything, Kai still remained catastrophically in love with Cinder Blackburn.

It wasn't until five years after their first encounter that anything happened. The duo were out for their standing date of Thursday night pizza and a movie when Cinder asked Kai the life-changing question.

"Why have we never gone out?"

Kai, practically shaking with nerves replied, "Because we're just friends!" Kai could have kicked himself.

Cinder had then glared at him in a joking matter, before turning back to her pizza. "Why don't you ever go out with anyone? I don't think you've been on a date since my step-sister." Cinder grimaced at the thought, and Kai smiled at her with his heart on his sleeve.

A moment passed, and Cinder turned a suspicious eye on him. "You're not gay, are you?" She took another bite of her pizza. "Because if you are, we could always find you a boyfriend. I always thought Thorne was bi, you know." Cinder grinned at him, and Kai blushed a brilliant shade of red.

"I'm not gay!" Kai had exclaimed, making the entire diner turn and look at him. He apologized for the outburst, waiting for everyone to go back to their own business before whispering to Cinder. "I'm not gay. I just- I'm waiting for the right girl."

Cinder rolled her eyes, but continued on. "You'll never find her— or him—" Cinder grinned teasingly, "if you never put yourself out there. Believe me, I didn't date anyone until Liam. I just kept waiting for the right guy to come along, but he never did." Cinder reached out across the table to grasp his hands. She had beautiful hands, Kai thought, though she believed otherwise. Her left hand was encased in scar tissue from a burn accident at the shop, while her right hand lay traced with an array of scars. He loved Cinder's hands.

"Have you found him, considering all of your years of looking?" Kai asked, a little miffed.

Though he hadn't meant the words to sting, they had. Cinder retracted her beautiful hands from his, biting her lip out of anxious nervous habit. "No," Cinder looked down at the crust of her pizza. "I haven't. But I know I won't unless I look."

"Hey," Kai reached for her hands this time, a shock going through his body the moment their skin met. "I didn't mean that, Cinder. You'll find him. Any guy would be lucky to have you." Kai's heart ached as he said the words. He wanted to be that lucky guy; he wanted it more than anything else in the world. "In fact, how is..." Kai paused, not remembering the name of her most recent beau.

"We broke up."

"Already?" Kai asked, shocked.

Cinder shrugged her shoulders, shoving Kai's hands away and nibbling on the crust of her pizza. "It just wasn't right."

"How can you tell?" Kai asked. "If it's not right, I mean."

Cinder turned her face away, staring out the window at the dusty Arizona landscape. Her eyes were sad, and even as she tried to hide it, Kai could see it. Part of Kai wondered if Cinder even believed in love after watching her father's failed attempts at it. There was always a hesitancy to Cinder's romantic life that revealed how truly afraid she was. Scared to fall and never be caught.

"I don't know," Cinder waved her crust around, a befuddled expression on her face as she looked at Kai. "You just don't feel that click, you know?"

Kai nodded, completely not understanding. "Have you ever felt that click?"

Cinder nodded, downing the rest of her water before answering him. He always loved eating with her. She could eat more than any person he'd ever met, and she always drank all of her water before declaring herself finished. It was both endearing and adorable.

"I felt it with Thorne," Cinder said, making Kai's heart shrivel and breath catch cold in his lungs. "But it was more of a 'we get each other' type of click. You know, just friends. I feel the same way with you."

Stabbing pain was only one of the many things Kai felt during that moment. Maybe that's why he acted so desperately. Perhaps it was because she practically declared them BFF's for all eternity, or that he had been holding it in for so long, but Kai couldn't contain his feelings any longer.

"Iloveyou," Kai huffed, relief flooding his veins before the extreme panic swooped in. "I- I mean-"

Cinder grinned, "I love you too, Kai."

"NO!" Kai yelled, before covering his mouth in shame, not daring to look and see who was watching them. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell," Kai whispered to Cinder, he face shocked and baffled. "It's just, I love you."

Cinder put her hand on top of his. "I know, Kai. I love you too."

Kai groaned, leaning back in his chair until it nearly fell over. He ran his fingers through his dark hair, messing up the inky locks more. "I'm _in love_ with you, Cinder. I have been since the first time I saw you. I have been during every text, phone call, conversation, fight, or glance. I can't date any other girls, because you're the only one I have ever wanted. You are the only girl I could ever be happy with." Kai sucked in a breath. "You're the only person I have ever loved like this."

Cinder didn't speak for minutes, but it felt like hours. She put her head in her hands as if her brain could explode from information overload— and maybe it had. Kai couldn't believe that he had spilled everything his heart had to offer, but he had, and there was no going back.

"Would you like to go on a date with me?" Kai whispered in the midst of silence.

After a moment, Cinder brought her head out of her hands. She had an agitated look on her face, but nodded all the same.

Kai could have flown. He might as well have been flying, for the feeling in his stomach was lurching and reeling. The world was filled with colors that he had never seen before, and everything was perfect.

"But," Cinder shot a finger in his direction, deflating Kai's heart in a matter of seconds. "You have to promise me that you'll never keep something this big from me ever again."

"I promise," Kai smiled the words, never having meant anything as much as he did in that moment.

They were married three months later.

"Cinder?" Kai called out one last time before kicking his shoes off and plopping down on the couch. Their apartment was small, but cozy. They had two bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen/ living room area. It was perfect.

Leaning back into the couch, Kai let his eyes close for a second. A yawn escaped his lips, soft and quiet; he hadn't been sleeping well in months. His father was sick— dying of a terminal cancer, and Kai wasn't ready to lose his only parent.

Kai's mother had died shortly after Kai's birth due to an infection. He had never known the woman, never grown to love her or miss her, though he liked to think about her and held a special place for his mother within his heart. His father had raised Kai all alone, and beautifully, even as his business failed. Rikan never did anything but love Kai, and it hurt for him to watch his father die slowly.

Somehow, Kai must have fallen asleep on the couch, for the next thing he knew were the soft press of lips on his temple and the smell of engine grease. A sleepy smile curved at the corners of Kai's lips, his heart fluttering out of its sorrow with the presence of his wife.

"Did you fall asleep?" Cinder asked, stroking the mess of Kai's hair out of his face. Through the window Kai could see the slow set of the sun with all of its colors and splendor.

"No," Kai yawned. "I was just pretending; I wanted to be sleeping beauty."

Cinder flicked the back of his head. Kai laughed.

"Are you feeling okay?" Cinder asked, moving from the back of the couch to sit beside Kai. She laid her head on his shoulder and her arms around his middle, her warm body snuggling close to his. "We can skip Thorne's birthday party if you're not feeling up to it. Twenty-eight isn't even an important number at all." Her voice was more nervous than usual.

Kai smiled at her but shook his head. "I'll be fine, I'm just a bit tired. I haven't been sleeping well this week-"

"This month," Cinder corrected. "Actually, the past five months if we're going to be exact. You need to take care of yourself, Kai. Let's just take this night off, watch a movie— it is Thursday, after all."

"But Thorne is your best friend. You've been there for his birthdays since... forever. We have to go, or else you'll lose the bet." Kai intertwined his fingers with Cinder, playing with their hands. Cinder scanned his face, all worry. Her eyes were big and concerned, taking in the dark bags under Kai's eyes and deep sadness within his copper irises.

Cinder kissed his cheek, her perfume of engine grease and soap alleviating Kai of all of his troubles. For years she had been the only thing that Kai wanted, and even now, with Kai's sick father and busy workload, she was still the one he longed for most.

" _You're_ my best friend," Cinder corrected Kai yet again. She had a tendency for fixing all of Kai's mistakes. She gave and gave and gave to him, and sometimes he felt guilty that he wasn't giving as much as she was. "And Thorne already lost the bet when he was at boot camp, though he claims that doesn't count. He just won't pay up, the putz." Cinder scrunched her nose, eyes softening. "I'm really worried about you."

Kai put on a glimmering smile, turning his face away so she wouldn't see him yawn. She worked just as hard— harder even than him— and she deserved a night out. It was about time he gave her something back, even if it wasn't much. "Well, worry no more," Kai said, quickly kissing her before getting to his feet. "We have a party to get to."


	2. Before the Sun Dies

Music blared through a single car speaker; there were once two of them, but the other had been broken during one of Cinder and Kai's more intense disney sing-alongs. Kai drove the car, because while Cinder spent every day of her life fixing cars, she despised driving them.

The weariness that had afflicted Kai in the apartment had worn off the second the music started pumping in its loud hard beats. He had never taken a single music class in his life, never performed even in a school choir, but something about music spoke to his heart.

Cinder giggled through half of the lyrics, occasionally shooting Kai a look that told him she thought he was an idiot, even if he was cute. She rarely sang, except during their car trips when it was just the two of them. Kai thought it was because she didn't like feeling vulnerable, even though she claimed that she just didn't like it. Kai loved to hear her sing, though. He found the soft, yet firm cadence of her voice illustrious, but never told her for fear that she would stop even for him.

Personally, Kai loved to sing. He had no particular talent for it, and often ended a little flat, but he did enjoy the feeling it left inside his chest.

The song ended on a high note that only Kai dared— and epically failed— to hit. Cinder turned down the radio, the couple giggling after Kai's dreadful warbling. Cinder rubbed her eyes, sat up, and tightened her ponytail with an air that told Kai she was about to do something.

"I talked with my dad at work today," Cinder said, her voice slightly agitated. During the past few months she had spoken less and less of her father. Kai couldn't quite decide whether it was for his own protection, what with his sick father, or due to Cinder's most recent agitation with her father.

"Oh, yeah?" Kai asked, giving her the most of his attention as he switched lanes. "How did that go?"

Cinder sighed, tucking her seatbelt beneath her arm and turning her body to face Kai. "He still won't leave that wretched woman." Cinder complained. "Adri is horrible to him— she's always complaining about him when he does nothing but work his butt off for her. He treats her so much better than she deserves, but..."

"He just doesn't want to lose Peony." Kai reasoned, moving his hand from the wheel to pat Cinder's shoulder. "She's only eight, and custody battles are rough."

"I know— I know that," Cinder groaned. "I just hate that woman so much. I physically hate her with all of my being. She just- she just-"

Kai felt his heart squeeze as his wife's voice smoldered with emotion. "Hey," Kai whispered, wishing that he could put his arms around her. It wasn't often that Cinder got emotional; normally she was the detached one while Kai wore his heart on his sleeve. But in recent weeks she had become more sensitive. "It's all gonna be okay, Cinder. You have to know that."

A snuffle came from Cinder, and Kai watched from the corner of his eye as she wiped her face and nose with the sleeve of her jacket. Had it been anyone else performing that action, Kai would have been disgusted, but somehow anything that she did came to reason. Maybe they really should have stayed home that night.

While Kai tried to give Cinder perspective on Adri, he honestly couldn't stand the woman. He hated her nearly as much as Cinder did, not only for the grief she caused Chandler Blackburn, but for all the abuse she had inflicted upon Cinder.

"I just wish he could be happy again. Fall in love with someone who brings him nothing but joy. He's never had that, not even with my mother. She didn't even love him enough to stay after I was born." Cinder reminisced.

"There's still plenty of time for him." Kai said. "Maybe someday he'll find someone who makes him just as happy as you make me."

"And you me," Cinder smiled, though it was more sad than happy, and Kai knew that her thoughts were tainted with worry over her lonely father.

Silence encompassed the car like a warm blanket. The drive to Thorne and Cress' house wasn't a long one, but summer traffick made it more lengthy than usual. For some reason, Kai didn't mind the silence, just as long as Cinder was there with him.

There was something about the simple presence of her person that made everything else seem inconsequential. It didn't matter if they were in a rapid debate over whether cake or pie was better, or it they were whispering jokes at parties, or even sitting in absolute stillness. Her breathing spoke to Kai in an uncharted language and her heartbeat sang him lullabies as they held one another close. She was always a comfort to him, no matter her living form.

"Do you ever wonder-" Cinder said, cutting off Kai's thoughts, "-what it would've been like if you had plucked up the courage to ask me out sooner? Like, would we have gotten married right away like we did, or would we have even lasted?"

"What do you mean 'would we have even lasted?'" Kai scrunched his face together. "I can't imagine a world without us ending up together."

Cinder grinned, and Kai knew that he wasn't alone with that thought. "Do you think we're soulmates?" Cinder asked, surprising Kai with the question.

"No," Kai yawned the word, making it spread out through the air. "I don't believe in soulmates."

"You don't?" Cinder asked, apparently shocked. "I always thought that you of all people would. I think I do."

Kai shook his head, sucking on his teeth. "I think that anyone can be with anyone as long as they try. Some couples are more compatible with one another—like you and me— but I don't think that there is only one person out in the world for each person."

"Huh," Cinder sighed. "I wouldn't say I believe in destiny or anything, but I do think that every person has another half, whether they find it or not."

"I can agree that you are my other half," Kai teased. "But how could the world have so many heartbreaks if there was such a thing as soulmates? Wouldn't more people wait for the real thing if they all had another half?"

Cinder shook her head, clucking her tongue at him. "Obviously they don't know about the other half stuff," Cinder reasoned. "I mean, I dated a lot of guys before you, and I always knew that none of them were right." Cinder shrugged, "But there were plenty of them that I knew I could be happy with, that I could've married and never had any complaints about."

"Gee, don't I feel special," Kai droned. "Just as long as you have no complaints about me, then I'm completely marriable!"

"You know what I mean," Cinder bit her lip, deep in thought. "I just knew, when we were dating, that you were it. You were the one."

Kai laughed. "Funny, 'cause I knew it from the first time we met, and you didn't reciprocate my feelings until five years later. I'm not trying to one-up you or anything..."

"In my defense," Cinder raised her hands in the air. "I never really saw you that way until you yelled to an entire diner of your undying love for me. I thought Pearl had ruined your love life forever." Cinder teased the last part, a smirk in her voice as she made the jab at her step-sister.

"And you were all too prepared to set me up with your best friend." Kai muttered.

"Fair point," Cinder agreed. "But once we were finally together, I could just feel how right it was. I knew that no one would ever make me as happy, as complete, as you would. It was like a little whisper in my ear that told me that nothing would ever get any better than you."

"A whisper, huh?" Kai smirked.

Cinder glared, her eyes burning into his face. "Oh, and what was it like for you, Mister love-at-first-sight?"

"More of an echo, if I'm being completely honest." Kai said. "It was just like 'her, her, her' over and over in my head."

"Must have been annoying." Cinder observed.

"Yes," Kai admitted, "you were very annoying."

"Watch it, Mister." Cinder growled, though her lips were twitching. "You were the one who was secretly stalking me for five years. If anyone gets to complain about annoying, it's me."

Kai chuckled, taking a side glance at Cinder. The sky outside was turning an ashy pink as the sun took its slow descent. It always amazed Kai how long it took for the sun to disappear during the summer months. The sunset seemed to last for a glowing eternity of fire.

Tonight's sunset was less fire, and more the soft glow of a candle. The dusty blush-colored clouds swirled like cotton-candy, and the horizon proved more lilac than blue. Somehow the colors complemented the red desert rocks that decorated all of Arizona. The splendor was not lost on Kai.

"I'm still astonished that you didn't run after I told you about all of my stalkery." Kai conceded. "If I were you, I would not have dated me, even with my incredibly good looks."

"Now you just sound like Thorne," Cinder cringed.

"No," Kai countered. "Thorne would always date himself, no matter what."

"Fair," Cinder nodded. "The vain putz would never turn down the opportunity to date himself."

No one spoke for a while after that, both consumed in the beauty of the sunset. Kai remembered how he had taken Cinder to watch the sunset as their first date. He had felt silly doing it, but all of his other date options were things that he already did with Cinder as friends. He couldn't just take her to dinner and the movies like a normal couple. They had known each other too long to ever be just another ordinary couple.

The sunset had been fiery the night of their first date. A sky glowing with an inferno of reds and oranges and yellows. They had talked and sat in silence, and while Kai had expected the whole thing to go down in flames as destructive as the sunset, worried that by finally living out his dream he would be sabotaging their friendship, but the whole thing was comfortable. He was still him, and she was still Cinder, no matter their setting or circumstances.

Ever since that first fateful sunset with Cinder, they always reminded him of her. Not only were they the beautiful spark to their romance, but something about the unpredictability of the sun's death every evening made him think of her. She wasn't the sporadic type, but she always kept him guessing, and never failed to leave him in awe of her clandestine beauty.

"Hey, Kai?" Cinder whispered, and Kai noticed the slight quiver to her usually strong voice. She had been different in the past weeks, her words careful and her composure more guarded. He hadn't worried about it much, thinking that it was just the stress with her father, but suddenly he knew that wasn't it.

Kai waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. "Yeah, Cinder?" Kai prodded gently.

Cinder froze, as if she hadn't meant to say the words out loud. As if she were scared to confess whatever was troubling her. "I have to tell you something." She nearly choked on the words.

"Okay," Kai said, quickly glancing at her. Her normally tan skin had become pale as milk, and she was playing with her fingers. "Do you want to talk about it before of after the party?"

Another beat, and Kai wondered if Cinder had stopped breathing. "Probably after," Cinder squeaked. "I-I-" Cinder swallowed hard, "I think it would be best if I could sit and look at you. I just..." Cinder bit on her lip, an endearing trait that Kai knew meant she was nervous.

"Okay," Kai said, tension growing in his bones. It was unusual for Cinder to keep anything from him, even for an evening. It sent worry through his body in a course of shivers that he hid to the best of his ability. He didn't know what to think of Cinder's vague promise to tell him something. Thoughts of his father and his impending death spilled in with Cinder's words.

"Are you okay, at least?" Kai asked, his worries getting the better of him.

Cinder placed a quick hand on his arm, seeming to sense his unease. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it." Cinder smiled, her lips twitching. "Stars, I probably made it sound like something awful was happening. It's nothing to worry about, I just... I'll tell you tonight."

"Okay," Kai stared at the road, his mind turning Cinder's words around in his head. He wished that she hadn't mentioned it— now he thought his brain might explode with every theory he could come up with as to Cinder's secret. He wanted to beg her to tell him what was going on, but instead he said, "We're almost to Thorne's."

"Oh, good," Cinder said, her voice back to normal. "I can't wait to see everyone. It's been a while."

"Yeah," Kai agreed. They were stopped at a light, and while there were no cars in sight, Kai would never dare do anything as brave as to drive through the intersection at a light. "I wish we saw them more often."

"It's funny, seeing how we live so close to them but hardly ever see them." Cinder said in a voice that held no humor. "Years ago I wouldn't have been able to imagine not seeing Thorne everyday, but now it doesn't even feel weird."

Kai nodded, just as the light turned greed. "And I will forever be grateful I don't have to see the arrogant putz everyday." Kai said.

Cinder laughed, her loud breaths of joy filling the small car. Kai grinned at the sound of it, his heart swelling. It was the happiest sound that Kai knew, and maybe it was a good thing that Cinder was laughing.

Or maybe it was ironic: her beautiful laughter, before the thunderous crash of the large truck hitting the smaller car.

Maybe it was the final stroke of brilliance before the night came and choked the sun into submissive darkness.


	3. Lost Without Her

Everything was black. Nothing in the world existed save for the all-consuming blackness tearing at every inch of Kai's being. He was suffocating in the emptiness of nothing, not knowing what was real and what was not.

He had once read an article about how no sound could exist within a black hole due to its choking darkness; this felt much the same.

Kai tried to move his body, tried to see if he was still alive. The black began to fade, and screams replaced the unnatural silence inside Kai's head. Something beside blackness was choking him in the form of an airbag, and Kai tried his best to shove it away. His vision swam in and out of focus, but what he did catch glimpses of made Kai wish that he had remained blind.

Blood seemed to cover the car like a thick coat of crimson paint. Kai had never seen so much of it in his entire life. No horror movie had ever depicted this much blood covering so little space. It was all that existed: blood blood blood.

A wailing scream reverberated within the hollows of Kai's ears. He couldn't decipher where it was coming from— what broken creature could make such a sound. He didn't understand what was happening.

He couldn't remember where he was or why he was in a car filled with blood. Was the car bleeding like in Winter's schizophrenic visions of the walls bleeding? Kai couldn't fathom the amount of scarlet the car must have contained. Was Kai the source of all the blood? If so, then why were his only aches located inside his head?

The world spun in one single rapid motion. He couldn't catch his breath; he couldn't breathe. No air would go into his lungs, and it was only then that Kai realized that the source of all the screaming was him.

Kai grabbed onto the top of his head, reining in his panic. He needed to breathe. He needed to get his mind together and figure out what was going on.

Slowing his breathing to normal, Kai attempted to remember everything that had happened. He had been driving— why? Where was he going?

To Thorne's birthday party.

What had happened?

He was crossing an intersection— he got hit.

Where?

Kai knew that it hadn't been from the front, because he had seen no sign of another car as he had entered the intersection. He ruled out his side, or else he wouldn't have been as okay as he was.

The passenger side. He had been T-boned on the passenger side. It was the only viable answer.

Kai sighed in relief. Everything was okay. He had been in an accident, but everything was alright.

_But if everything was alright_ , Kai thought, the final factor of the equation kicking in. _Where was all the blood coming from?_

"NO!" Kai screamed as his eyes finally saw what they had tried so hard to ignore. Perhaps it was the shock that made him forget about her— the one that he always remembered—but a sick feeling in Kai's stomach told him that he hadn't seen her until that moment because of her camouflage.

Cinder's entire face was caked in red. Her hair looked nearly black with the coat of wet blood. Her body was a mangled mess of flesh and broken bones and blood. Everything was blood; it dressed the car as plentiful as oxygen on earth.

Kai undid his seatbelt, everything within his body trying to get to Cinder. She was not okay. She was not okay. She was not okay.

She was not okay.

"Cinder," Kai didn't mean to scream her name, but he could hardly hear himself over the rush of blood in his ears. "Cinder!"

She remained unresponsive, her only sign of life rare shallow breaths. Her airbag had deflated, but parts of it stuck to her skin with the hot glue of blood. Kai tried to pull her seatbelt away from her but his hands shook too much for him to even get a handle on it.

Sirens wailed in the distance, and while Kai knew he should have felt relief, dread hung over him like a wet blanket. It choked him and bore him into the ground. Everything was wrong, and there was nothing in the world that he could do to possibly fix it.

"Help is coming, Cinder," Kai said, his voice hoarse and nearly gone. "Just hold on a little bit longer. Don't leave me. You can't leave me. You can't leave me. You can't leave me." Kai sobbed, touching her face and coming away not with a smile, but blood.

The doors of the car were wrenched off with the violent screech of tearing metal. Help came on all sides, someone pulling Kai out of his side in a single rapid motion.

Medical people swirled around them in a haze of unintelligible words and navy scrubs. Everything was complete chaos as a stern middle-aged woman pulled Kai aside and tried to usher him onto a stretcher. He would not comply.

"I need to see my wife," Kai cried, pushing the older woman away from him. He couldn't leave— not without Cinder. "Where is Cinder? I need to see her."

"They're taking very good care of her, sir." The woman said not impatiently. She had hard lines etched into her face and her brown hair was bleaching to grey, but she her eyes were kind. "They're taking her to the hospital as we speak."

"I need to be with her," Kai gasped. "I need to be with her. You have to let me be with her!" Kai thought of all the blood. There was too much blood in that car. There was too much broken about Cinder.

"But we need to take care of-"

Kai cut her off with a roar. "I'm fine! I just need to be with her!" Kai let out a guttural choking sob. "Please."

The woman nodded her head, brown eyes indicating that she understood what he meant. She gently grabbed him by the hand, her fingers clean and cold against his bloody hot ones. She led him to an ambulance where a stretcher carrying his wife was being loaded. The nurse whispered a panicked flurry of words to a tall male nurse before Kai was ushered inside the large white vehicle.

Cinder's body captured Kai's gaze immediately with her mess of wounds and gore. Her face indicated no pain, but also no life. She laid still across the medical stretcher, even as the few doctors and nurses alike scrambled around her.

The ambulance lurched forward, siren wailing into the pink sunset. One of the nurses crammed into the vehicle pulled Kai aside, asking him a number of questions about Cinder in a flat, rushed voice.

"Name?"

"Cinder Crown."

"Age?"

"Twenty-seven."

"Date of birth?"

"December 21, 1990."

"Height?"

"Five seven."

"Weight?"

"A hundred and twenty pounds."

"Blood type?"

"A positive."

And the questions went on and on and on. Kai wondered how all of the questions would be used. Why they were necessary for this man and his clipboard. He didn't want to answer their questions. He wanted to hold Cinder, tell her that it would be fine, beg her to stay with him.

After what seemed like an eternity, the ambulance slowed to a stop, and everyone jumped into action. Cinder was carted out like a ticking bomb. The medical personnel rushed her out and inside the hospital with quick precision that shocked Kai.

He followed them inside, following them through hallways and all the way to a large set of double doors labeled: **Emergency Room**. Another group of men and women in scrubs met them at the doors, all of them seemingly equipped to go into action.

Kai tried to go inside the doors with them, but a young female nurse stopped him, telling him that he had to wait.

"I have to go in there!" Kai screamed, his voice throbbing with emotion. "She's my wife! I HAVE TO GO IN THERE!"

"I'm so sorry," the nurse whispered, looking like she truly meant it as she walked through the doors, leaving him behind.

Kai let out a sob, tears mixing with the blood on his face. He pounded on the closed doors, trying to get them to open, but nothing happened. One last whimper escaped him before he slumped to the ground outside of the Emergency Room doors.

After a short time, a woman in grey scrubs came to his aid. She whispered words of comfort to him, but he couldn't hear them. He wanted Cinder. He wanted her to tell him comforting things. He needed her to tell him that she was going to be fine.

The grey clad woman somehow managed to haul Kai to his feet. She talked to him the whole way, her voice soft, gentle— as if speaking to a wounded animal she didn't want to strike her. It was a smart move on her part. Kai was as wounded as it got, his mind in hellish torment at his separation and worry.

She led him to a telephone connected to the wall. She said something, something about calling someone. Kai couldn't understand her words, but somehow he knew what she was trying to say. She wanted him to call someone. But who was he supposed to call?

Kai dialed a long memorized number, knowing that he would answer no matter what. He would be there. He would want to know Cinder's fate.

He picked up after only two rings.

"Hello?"

"Thorne," Kai breathed. "Thorne, I-"

"Kai?" Thorne said his name as if it were a humorous question. "Where are you and the rebel? Are you guys bailing on me?"

"No-" Kai tried, but Thorne wasn't done.

Thorne laughed, as if someone had told a joke, and whispered something to someone on the other side of the line. "Tell Cinder that she can't ditch-" Thorne said, "-unless she wants to lose the bet."

"Thorne," Kai choked on the name, his heart too broken to keep anything else together any longer.

"Kai?" Thorne sounded hesitant. "What's the matter, buddy? Did Cinder tell you about-" Thorne caught himself, re-evaluating his words. "Is everything okay?"

"No," Kai whispered. "It's Cinder. She- we-" Kai lost it all again, his entire being succumbing to his emotions. "It's all- she's not- I can't-" Kai sobbed broken fragments of his heartbroken lament.

"Hey, hey," Thorne soothed, though his voice betrayed his terror. "What's going on? Is Cinder okay?"

"NO!" Kai was hysterical. "No, Thorne! She's... she's..." but Kai couldn't go on. He couldn't think. He couldn't see. He couldn't speak. He needed Thorne to understand that everything was wrong. Cinder wasn't okay, and she may never be okay again.

Somehow, Thorne seemed to understand Kai's strangled words and sobbing. "Where are you guys?" he asked, voice hoarse.

Kai whimpered, covering his mouth with a blood stained hand in an attempt to contain his hysterics.

"Where are you?" Thorne demanded, the unusual seriousness in his voice momentarily clearing Kai's head.

"The hospital."

***

Kai sat on the white tile of the crisp, clean hospital floor. He was staring at his hands, burning with the dried blood of his wife. Originally, he had thought all of it to be hers, but after seeing the deep gash in his arm, he knew some of it had to be his own. It did nothing to put him at ease.

It had been nearly fifteen minutes since Kai had talked to Thorne. He knew that Cinder's best friend was coming, but worried that he didn't know where to go. Kai hadn't been able to say anything after telling Thorne where to go, but Thorne also hadn't stuck around for a second after, ending the call immediately.

Kai worried that Thorne would go to the wrong hospital, or get lost in the complexity of the building. Kai didn't want to be alone anymore in his suffering, even if it was with someone as annoying as Thorne. He needed someone who would understand the aching pain within Kai's chest.

Footsteps sounded down the illuminous hallway. A crowd of familiar faces burst into the room, and at the front was Thorne.

"Kai." Thorne said, spotting the broken man on the ground. He walked over to the bloodied Kai, a look of unrestrained fear on his face. "What's going on? What happened?"

Scarlet came to Thorne's side, her face paler than normal. She grasped Kai's hand, not caring about the gore that covered it. Cress followed after, coming to Kai's other side and taking his hand without any hesitation. A protective huddle seemed to have formed around Kai as his closest friends surrounded him.

"We got in an accident," Kai said, his voice low and husky, but echoing in the silence of the halls. The waiting room was empty except for them, an odd thing for early summer, but no one questioned it.

"We were about a mile away from your house," Kai looked at Thorne in front of him, his blue eyes electric as they bore into Kai. "The light had just turned green, and I was going through the intersection."

"Cinder was laughing," Kai shut his eyes, trying to remember the sound, but his mind was hollow with ache and screams. "And then we got hit. T-boned on the passengers side."

Cress let out a whimper beside Kai, and Scarlet squeezed his hand. Thorne's face was pale as the moon, his eyes glimmering with unshed tears. Above them, Winter buried her face in Jacin's shoulder, whispering a prayer for her cousin. Wolf stood completely still, unable to move even to comfort Scarlet.

"I blacked out for a couple of seconds. The whole car... the entire thing-" Kai gagged, remembering the mess of blood. The paint of the crimson against her skin and his. It was all too much. He couldn't think about it. It wasn't real. It couldn't have been real.

But it was.

"There was so much blood." Kai said, his words barely reaching the tip of his tongue. "She- she was barely breathing, and..." a single tear slipped out of Thorne's ocean eye and down his cheek. Kai couldn't go on.

"Oh, Kai," Scarlet crooned in her barely accented voice. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her in a motherly fashion. Kai couldn't remember ever being held this way: like a child. There was something so comforting about it, but the circumstances made it feel like a death grip.

No one spoke for a long time. The whole group simply sat in silence, waiting for something— anything to happen.

Eventually a doctor came to patch up Kai's arm, telling him that while he wouldn't need stitches, he would have to keep his arm clean and bandaged for a while.

Minutes passed in the form of dripping molasses. Only an hour had passed, but time seemed to have stopped as the gang of friends sat on cold tile floor in anguish. Kai wondered what was going on. He wanted someone to tell him how Cinder was. He needed the nightmare to end.

At some point, a little over and hour after Kai's arrival, a doctor came out to the group. His face held a deep sadness, and Kai knew before he spoke that Cinder was gone.

"I'm deeply sorry," the doctor said in a practiced manner. Kai wondered how many times he had come out to tell desperate families those exact same words. "We did everything we could, but she lost too much blood. She's gone."

Kai couldn't summon any words for the man, letting Scarlet thank him instead. Everything had stopped hurting in that moment; all had turned to numbness. Kai shed no tears for his lost love, even as his friends broke down, all of them trying to console one another with empty words.

The whole world might as well have ended in that moment. Everything was lost to the man with a heart too broken. Kai didn't want to live in a world without Cinder. After seven years of all-consuming love for one girl, his heart was empty without her— he was completely and utterly lost, and he had no clue how to find himself without her.


	4. Unrightfully Stolen

Emptiness met Kai like the hollow drear of a grave as he entered into his apartment. His apartment. _His,_ because she was gone. No longer theirs, but his alone.

Alone, because she was gone forever.

_Alone_

The aching ripped at the inside of Kai's chest. It felt like he was both about to explode and suffocate at the same time. Everything hurt without feeling as Kai shook, angry tears sliding down his face and to the floor.

He was alone. She was never coming back. Nothing would ever be there for him. He would come home from work every night and wait for a ghost. The thought ruined him.

Soft glows of sun sparkled through Kai's window. It was almost morning now, after the long and terrible night. Kai wished he could turn back the clock to when he had last seen the sun. He wished he had listened to Cinder and her offer to stay in that night. Why had he been so incredibly selfish?

Cinder had passed away shortly after ten p.m. the night before. The official report claimed that it was head trauma and blood loss, though it should have listed Kai's own foolishness. She had told him that they could stay home. She had wanted to, but he had made her go. It was all his fault.

The rest of the night had been too long. Phone calls were made. Phone calls that hurt too much to make. Phone calls that everyone dreaded.

Talking to Cinder's father had been the hardest. Kai hadn't lasted more than two words before he broke down crying. Thorne had to finish the call for him. Thorne had to make all the calls for Kai after that, though there were few to make.

Thorne had been the greatest help during the night of unspeakable torment. Cinder's normally sarcastic and rude friend had changed faster than the flick of a light— and that may have been one of the scariest parts of the entire night.

Everyone but Thorne and Kai had gone home after the death pronouncement. Each of his friends had in turn offered him physical and emotional comfort before leaving, but Kai hadn't even noticed. His life had been destroyed with two words, and the damage was irreparable.

_She's gone_

_She's gone_

_She's gone_

At the end of it all, Thorne had driven Kai home. He offered to stay with him, to keep him company, but Kai didn't want it. He only wanted Cinder, and if he couldn't have her, he wouldn't have anyone.

Cinder's work boots sat by the door, one straight up while the other lay on its side. Shaking, Kai bent down and picked up the upright shoe, his lips trembling but eyes dry. He clutched the dirty shoe to his chest, broken sobs singing into the lonely home.

Everything was ruined.

Everything was gone.

Everything hurt.

Kai collapsed slowly to the floor. He hugged the ratty shoe like it was a stuffed animal and he were an anxious toddler. He was still clothed in his blood spattered drab and crisp, clean bandage across his forearm. He desperately needed a shower— to be clean of all her blood.

Her blood.

Her blood.

Her blood.

Rancid bile choked Kai, making him gag. He let out a wretched, agonized scream, suddenly wanting it all to go away. Her blood itched at his skin like a rash, and he wanted it gone.

He wanted it gone

He wanted it gone.

He wanted it gone.

Kai scratched at his skin with rapid, angry strokes. He needed to be clean of her blood. He needed the hurt of her final moments to not tattoo his skin in black.

Animal-like, Kai clawed at his skin, crusts of black blood— her blood— crumbling from his flesh as fresh crimson took its place. Kai wailed, wondering if he would bleed her blood forever, a well deserved punishment.

Kai continued clawing, but as Cinder's blood crumbled off his skin and under his fingernails, Kai's blood flowed freely from the self-inflicted blemishes. Kai screamed again, stopping his frantic itching and burying his face into his hands.

Somehow Kai ended up laying on the floor, curled up in a ball, and clutching Cinder's boot to his chest. The hurting had stopped, and in its place was only emptiness. No more aches; no more feeling at all.

Memories filled the gaps of the hollowness inside of Kai. He remembered when he and Cinder had first moved into the apartment right after their honeymoon. He hadn't carried her in or done anything special, but held her hand as they twisted the key that unlocked the door.

Their first night had been spent eating pizza and watching old black and white movies. They had no furniture for their first week at the apartment, and spent every night the same: eating take-out and watching movies.

Kai's life felt like one of those black and white movies. The colors that he had gained with Cinder's love gone, draining the world of everything but light and dark. His emptiness let him live in the white lightness while his unbearable agony dragged him to the rock-bottom, all-consuming black.

But now everything was numb, and Kai thought of all the good things that had come of his twenty months of marriage. For six hundred and nine days Kai had had everything— now he had nothing.

He hadn't appreciated the joy his life had been filled with for over a year. He hadn't loved her as she deserved to have been loved. He had been nothing but ungrateful and ignorant, and now all he could feel was regret.

The numbness fought with the pain. Kai would feel sharp stabs of grief before the numbness would inject itself like a drug into his veins. He simultaneously wanted to be with someone and alone at the same time. He wasn't sure what he wanted at all anymore. And as Kai fell asleep, he longed for anything but his crushing universe.

***

Keys jangled loudly in a lock, rattling Kai's brain awake. Light stung his eyes, and he wondered where he was, or more importantly, where Cinder was.

The door opened, swinging directly into Kai's head. Pain barely registered in Kai's brain, however, his body too weak to move. A gasp sounded above him, along with his name and an abundance of curses, but Kai was too tired to look and see who it was.

His head hurt worse than any hangover ever had— though he had admittedly only had a few. Pain screamed, and throbbed like the jab of a knife. Kai closed his eyes, trying to alleviate the pain, but to no avail.

Hands touched Kai, tearing something from his arms and bringing him into an upright position against a wall. Fingers glanced across his chin, opening his mouth and pouring water inside. Kai choked at first, his eyes rolling in his head, before he swallowed the icy fluid.

Kai gulped eagerly, his headache clearing with every swallow. His eyes stopped swimming and cleared enough for him to make out more than shapes.

"Thorne?" Kai rasped as he drained the last of the glass. The man in front of him only held a vague resemblance to Cinder's best friend, but there was no denying that it was him.

Thorne said nothing as he stood to refill the glass again. There was a hard glint in his bloodshot eyes. He walked with no swagger, but a defeated slump to his shoulders. His hands shook as he handed Kai the second glass of water.

Thorne was broken.

Neither of the men spoke as Thorne rehydrated Kai. At some point the memories of the night before had burned back into Kai's mind, but he was too numb to do anything but let out a single whimper.

After nearly drowning Kai, Thorne pulled him to his feet. Kai wobbled and almost fell over, his entire body weak. Words were never exchanged, even as Thorne dragged Kai to the small bathroom, gave him a firm nod and left Kai to clean himself up.

One look in the small mirror showed him just how horrendous he looked. Blood spattered his clothes in offensive dark spots. His right arm was bandaged from a single ugly cut, though his arms puckered with long, thin claw-like scrapes. His face held a sallow hollowness to them that had never been there before—all bones and no life.

The most wretched part were his eyes: black holes of eternal sadness. Where copper had once dominated, his carnivorous pupil had swallowed it whole. He looked like a monster fresh from Hell.

He looked away.

Kai peeled off his clothes, occasionally crying out as he did so; the cloth had melded into one with his skin due to the blood. It took a few minutes for Kai to strip, but once he did, he climbed into the shower.

Hot water ran down his skin and swirled down the drain: red claws, pink tendrils, clear tears. The gentle rain burned his skin, effectively cleaning him of the blood— but not his sorrows.

Getting out of the shower, Kai found fresh clothes on the bathroom counter. He put them on, and walked out and into the living room.

Thorne was gone— Kai knew at a single glance that his "friend" had left. Loneliness clawed at Kai's heart, but he knew it was for the best. Kai, of all people comprehended how much it hurt to be where she had once been, to smell all of her smells and see all of her things. He understood completely, but it burned to bear it alone.

A plate of food was set on the small table with a note. Kai didn't have much of an appetite, but sat down all the same. He read Thorne's scribbled note that said:

_Kai,_

_Will be back later, do not go anywhere or do anything. Scarlet, Cress and Wolf are taking care of funeral arrangements. Jacin and Winter will handle family. Call your dad, he wants to talk._

_-Thorne_

Kai slumped in his seat, feeling completely helpless. All of his friends were taking care of the problem, cleaning up the mess, but Kai couldn't. He didn't know what to do with himself. The throbbing pain was now gone, along with the numb. All that was left was a dull ache and the realization that Kai would have to carry on with his life.

There was something so painful as to suddenly realize that the only good thing in his life was gone. When his father had become ill, Cinder had held him. As his job began to decrease in pay, Cinder took up extra shifts. Every time his anxiety overcame him, Cinder had talked him out of his lonesome protective shell. His only solace and love had abandoned him— and it was entirely his fault.

A cheap burner phone rested beside the note, and Kai decided to comply with the final part of Thorne's plea. He dialed the first phone number he had ever learned, hands shaking and teeth clacking.

"Hello?" Kai's dad picked up on the first ring.

"Dad," Kai breathed, some of his nerves disappearing at the sound of his father's voice.

Silence filled the line, and Kai wondered if his father had hung up. Time passed in minutes before Rikan spoke.

"Son-"

"Don't." Kai choked, his eyes already burning. "I can't hear those words again. _I can't_ , dad." Kai didn't cry, but his emotions were heavy in his voice. There was no end to the hurt. When he tried to forget, it still hurt. When he tried to remember, it hurt. Maybe it always would hurt.

Both Crown's were silent for another long period, the silence cutting deeper and deeper with each second like a bloodthirsty knife. Kai knew that his father had lost his mother years ago, but that had been different. Rikan had had days to prepare for her imminent death— Kai hadn't been granted a single moment.

"It gets better, Kai." Rikan whispered. "I know it hurts like hale right now, but someday it won't. Someday-"

"I don't want to hear it!" Kai snapped, his vision fogging as tears dripped down onto the floppy sandwich Thorne had made for him. "I don't want it to stop hurting someday, because that won't make her any less gone. I don't want it to stop hurting, because I can't leave her. I can't leave her, dad."

Kai knew that he wasn't making any sense. Stars, his words were a mess of tears and spit and the horrible ache that continuously tried to wrench his heart and soul from his being. He felt like a top spun into orbit, his world twirled into ceaseless circles of confusion without Cinder to catch hold of him and reorient his life.

A soft sigh escaped Kai, his tears ebbing in their flow. "I have no clue what I'm doing, dad. I'm twenty-seven and I just lost my life." Kai tried to tame the monster roaring in his throat, but the choking never seemed to stop. "She was everything to me. She's been the only thing in my life for seven years. She was more than just my wife, she was my best friend. She was my soulmate-" Kai sobbed, remembering their final conversation. How had be not believed?

"She- She-" Kai suddenly became very angry, his words slurred with fury. "And you're dying. And you're leaving me, you sick bastard." Kai had never sworn at anyone in his life, let alone his father. "And you tell me it will be okay," Kai squeezed his eyes shut, his body rocking back and forth, his teeth clenched as he tried not to scream. "But you won't have to deal with any of this. Soon it will just be me, all alone."

"Kai," Rikan whispered cautiously.

"You won't have to worry about it, because you'll be dead." Kai spat. "Everyone I loves seems to die. I kill them. I'm poison. I'm wretched. I'm awful. I _hate_ myself!" Kai screamed.

"Kai," Rikan repeated, his voice stern. "You have not killed anyone. You are a wonderful person, and you are going to get through this. You are going to beat it."

"No," Kai vociferated. "I killed mom with my mere existence. I killed Cinder by making her go out that night. I was driving the damn car, dad! I killed my own wife!"

Rikan made some sort of noise over the phone, and for the first time, Kai didn't care. "You didn't kill me, Kai," Rikan murmured. "It's my fault for smoking; I gave myself lung cancer."

"I let you smoke those- those-" Kai tried to think of a good curse word to match the awfulness of cigarettes, but none came. "I didn't stop you from smoking those _stupid_ cigarettes!"

"You were a child, Kai," Rikan scoffed. "I was a grown adult man who thought nothing could ever bring me down."

"I still killed mom and Cinder. I did it," Kai reaffirmed.

"No, Kai," Rikan said sadly. "The world did. The universe saw them, their beauty, and selfishly took them for its own."

Awe struck Kai at the wise speech of his father. "Why?"

"Because the world doesn't want anything more beautiful than itself." Rikan coughed. "Mother nature can't stand anything more magnificent than herself, so she unrightfully steals the rest of the competition. She picks the best flowers for her garden."

Kai marveled at Rikan's words. There was something so incredibly wrong about them, but also something so astonishingly right as well.

Rikan talked to Kai a short while longer, explaining how he wouldn't be able to attend the funeral, but that he wished he could. Kai only nodded his head, despite the fact that Rikan couldn't see him.

The phone call ended, and Kai thought about Cinder, the only one that ever occupied his thoughts.

Just twenty-four hours ago she had been alive. Twenty-four hours ago she had been under a greasy car, fixing everything that was broken.

Too bad she was gone, never able to fix anything broken ever again. Not cars or bikes. Not her family or Thorne. They would all stay broken until someone else came along to put them back together.

But Kai— he would stay broken forever, because she was the only one who could ever fix him. And now she was gone.


	5. The Final Resting Place

Black ties; black dresses; black coats, all in memory of Selene "Cinder" Blackburn Crown. Kai found it disgusting that everything was black when Cinder was anything but.

Cinder had been a sarcastic, snarky woman in her happiest of moments, but her demeanor never could have come anything close to black. She was an electric orange, both bold and bright. She was the sunrise and the sunset, but never the darkness of the night. She had been anything but black, so perhaps that was why they had worn it: because Cinder should have been anything but dead.

It was a closed-casket funeral to say the least; Kai could still remember the way she looked as her body failed to sustain the weight of her soul. He hated that it was the last way he would ever remember her, but it was.

In the end, there was no one to blame for the horrible accident. The car crash that ended Cinder's life was a hit-and-run, the villain too cowardly to stay behind and accept the consequences for his actions. At the very least, he had been the one to call the police, but it was an anonymous call, and therefore Cinder's executioner was untraceable.

Kai wished that he knew who killed his wife so he could lay the blame on someone other than himself. He needed someone else to be angry at so he could let go once and for all. He longed for a reprieve.

The funeral was a small event, but still there were plenty of people to fill the small church theatre. Dozens of people that Kai had seen less than two years ago at his wedding reception came to extend their sorrows. It was odd to him how opposite the moods were. Once the people were excited, joyous and full of advice and words. Now everyone was somber, depressed and ever silent of anything to say.

Cinder's father was at the funeral, but had somehow avoided talking to Kai. Chandler Blackburn had never been the outgoing type of man, much like Cinder in personality where he always preferred working his auto shop rather than human interaction.

Chandler looked nothing alike Cinder, with his fair skin, blue eyes, and graying hair that had once been a dusty brown. His body was solid and muscular like Cinder's, but much larger in mass. He moved to sit in the back row—not in the front where all of Cinder's loved ones were supposed to reside.

The service began, and Kai moved to sit down beside Winter at the end of a reserved row. She grabbed hold of his hand, squeezing it as the tears flowed down her face. They never stopped.

An hour passed by in musical numbers and a eulogy by Jacin. Thorne and Winter both stood and told stories about Cinder. Kai never arose from his seat. He had been offered the opportunity to speak, but declined. He didn't much fancy bawling incomprehensibly in front of an entire church full of people.

The service ended, and everyone collectively stood as the casket was carried out. Kai did participate in this, his tears flowing heavily under the dead weight of his love. He, along with Thorne, Jacin, and Wolf were Cinder's pallbearers, and it would have been a strenuous task with just the four of them if not for Wolf's hulking frame that took over an entire side by himself. Cinder's father had been offered the position as well, but at that he had refused.

The drive to the cemetery was short— shorter than the drive that had ended Cinder's life. Her burial was longer, but not by much.

And then her casket was gone, buried under a mountain of earth, never to be seen again.

Cinder was gone.

***

"Kaito," A hand tapped Kai's shoulder, making him turn. Kai was standing in front of Cinder's grave. There was no grass or headstone, just the dusty brown of fresh dirt. Kai had thought that he was alone now, after sending Thorne, his ever-present companion away— clearly he had been wrong.

The sun was setting on the dreary day, pink and dusky as the night of the accident. Kai stares at it in wonder as he thought of his final conversation with Cinder, wishing he could have said something more meaningful to her before she left.

Kai turned, wiping his face with the back of his hand. His tears had been a never-ending stream in the week since Cinder's death. He thought it would have stopped by now, but a river never ceased its flowing as long as it still had a water source.

Chandler Blackburn met Kai's eyes in a shabby, broken state. Kai felt a pang of _panic_ , unprepared to talk with Cinder's father. His friends had taken care of every situation in the past week, including any conversations with his deceased wife's father. It may have seemed cowardly in retrospect, but Kai didn't know if he could handle the immense guilt that would come upon contact with the man. The jury was still out on the subject.

"Hello, Mr. Blackburn." Kai said respectfully. He had never known what to call Cinder's father. The two had never hated each other, but they hadn't exactly gotten along either as Kai couldn't get over his past offenses on the terms of his daughter. Rikan, an ever kind man had always insisted that Cinder could call him dad, and she had, but Chandler Blackburn was a completely different man.

"How are you holding up, son?" Chandler asked, the word shocking Kai for a second before he realized it had none of the affection of a father saying the word to his kin.

Kai swallowed hard, tilting his head back and forth like an unbalanced seesaw on a playground. Chandler stared at Kai, his face hard— angry. "Not great." Kai said, vocalizing his sorrow in inadequately.

In the week since Cinder's death, Kai had been a demolished fragment of the greatest tragedy his life had yet to offer. Every morning was a literal battle to get out of bed, and often Thorne (who had night shift with Kai) had to drag him up and out. The days were spent with each of his friends taking rotations to watch him and clean out Cinder's things. At night Kai would lie awake until the sun rose, staring at the empty crater on Cinder's side of the bed.

"I would imagine." Chandler said. "She's a hard creature to forget."

For some reason these words struck Kai. "No," Kai whispered, barely hiding the malice in his words. "She's an impossiblewoman to _live_ _without_."

Chandler stared at Kai, a new glint in his eyes, though Kai could not discern what it entailed.

"I thought the same thing when my wife left me," Chandler said, his voice both softer and more stern at the same time. "But time heals every wound."

Kai said nothing, his sadness burning away with the fiery anger bubbling from within his chest. He didn't know when it had manifested, but he didn't want it to go away either.

"You know, you and I aren't all that different." Chandler mused. Kai wanted to scoff, but out of respect for Cinder's father, he refrained. "Both abandoned by our wives at a young age with no warning whatsoever. Both left behind to deal with the wreckage of two demolition lovers."

Kai could not see any similarities between himself and Chandler Blackburn. Yes, both had been left behind by the person they held most dear to them, but that was as far as the comparison could go.

While Kai liked to consider himself a good, kind, honest human being, Chandler was hard, cold, and secretive. Kai had found ways to surround himself with love, but Chandler always seemed to fall on the side of destruction.

"At least you had Cinder," Kai said, his voice gruff and exhausted. He wanted to be done with this conversation. He wanted to go home and lay in the bed that never drew him into sleep. No— he wanted to lay down, but not in his lonesome bed; he wanted to sleep six feet beneath his feet, exactly beside his wife.

"Yes," Chandler said, bitterness in his tone. "I was left alone, with a child I never asked for without the woman I had. I was left to be a father to a kid that I could never-"

"Don't." Kai growled, his teeth bared like a predator, eyes stinging and face pinched. He hadn't seen the words coming until the moment before and knew he couldn't stand to hear them. Not about Cinder. "You can't mean it. You honestly can't."

Chandler clenched his jaw, and Kai suddenly realized that his eyes were dry. His eyes were clear, too, not red and sunken with past tears and no sleep like Kai's were. He was broken, but not over the fact that Cinder was dead; he was broken over the fact that he could not be sad that Cinder was dead.

"Did you ever wonder how Cinder got that name?" Chandler asked, and Kai couldn't help but admit to himself that he had. Cinder herself had never known, claiming that her father had never given a specific reason. Chandler stared at the dirt that covered Cinder's remains. "I couldn't call her by... that name. It was her mother's name afterall, did you know that?" Kai had not known that.

Chandler ran dirty hands through his hair, his aura full of aggravation. "Cinder was all that was left after the burning fire. Selene stole all of my love away, leaving nothing but cinders and ashes behind. That's how Cinder got her name. She was the smoldering, despicable reminder of something that had once been beautiful.

Kai stood, horrified. He didn't know that one persons name could be such an insult to their life and character. He couldn't grasp how Chandler Blackburn could detest his own offspring so much as to name her after his own destruction.

"I wish it was different," Chandler said earnestly, his eyes pleading with Kai in a moment of weakness. "I wish that I was, but..." Chandler sucked in a breath, his eyes guilty as they met Kai's. "You can't help who you love."

Kai sat there, dumbstruck. He had always known that Chandler Blackburn was not a kind man, but he had never considered him loveless. Kai had always hated hearing Cinder's sad childhood stories of how her father had never shown up to any events, or asked her how her day was. He had been angry when she talked of how Chandler merely stood by as Adri abused her with words and palms. He had been confused at how she could never say the words "I love you" to her own father.

Everything now made sense in a horrible, sick kind of way that shouldn't have made sense.

"You monster," Kai breathed, a single tear sliding from his eye. "Cinder, she was everything. She was... she was..." Kai tried to grasp at all the words that described Cinder Blackburn. "She was magic. She was light. She was joy. _She was love_."

Kai wanted to hit Chandler Blackburn more than he'd ever wanted to hit another person in his entire life. Kai was not a violent man, but could he really be a man without Cinder? Was he even Kai without Cinder?

"You don't understand!" Chandler protested, voice rising. "I tried so hard to love her, I wanted to so bad. But every time I looked at her face, all I could see... all I could see was her mother." Chandler covered his face in his hands. He held almost no resemblance to Cinder aside from their scarred hands.

Kai couldn't fathom how one would have to _try_ to love Cinder. He himself couldn't find a single part of her that was not loveable.

"I would see her, and I _hated_..." Chandler removed his hands from his face, his blue eyes locking on Kai. "All I could find was hate."

"Go to Hell." Kai snarled. Chandler startled, his face pinching with hurt before bursting with anger. He looked like a lion in his self-righteous fury, which Kai found ironic.

A fist swung at Kai's face, one second beside Chandler's side, the next crashing into Kai's eyes. Not having expected the punch, Kai did nothing to block it, stumbling backward with the lash. He welcomed the pain.

Kai put a hand to his face, testing his already swelling eye. It hurt in a way that Kai had never really experience before, the physical burn eating away the pain inside. Kai snarled as he lunged at Mr. Blackburn.

The two collided like wild beasts, each growling fowl things to one another. Chandler landed multiple other blows against Kai's face and the rest of his body as the two grappled in the middle of a graveyard.

Kai, marginally smaller than Chandler only managed to hit his dead wife's father a few times before there was yelling, and hands dragging them away from each other. Kai fought against them, his anger making him lash out at anyone and anything that stood in his path of destruction. He was a tornado of rage— or maybe it was just pain.

"Stop it, Kai!" yelled a familiar voice. "STOP IT!"

Kai didn't stop.

Legs flew and arms swung as a force stronger than any usual man wrenched Kai off the cemetery dirt and into the air. Kai screamed, clawing at the air as Wolf Kesley dragged Kai away from Chandler Blackburn.

"Kai," Wolf said softly, and Kai wondered who had been yelling, for surely it could not have been Wolf. "Calm down, Kai."

Kai let out a ragged sob, all the fight leaving him in an instant. He sagged against Wolf, the hulking giant pulling him to his side in a close resemblance to a hug.

Broken cries echoed through the darkening cemetery as Kai tried to staunch the flow of pain throbbing in his body. He clawed at his own face, striking bloody lines that resembled Winter's down his cheeks. He didn't want to keep doing this. He couldn't keep living this way.

Jacin and Thorne pulled Chandler Blackburn away, the older man giving up much quicker than Kai. Jacin walked him away, out of the cemetery and probably to his car. Thorne stalked back to talk to Kai, fire in his eyes and rage in his heavy footfalls.

"What the hell are you doing?" Thorne snapped, all the patience of the past week completely vanishing.

"Thorne-" Wolf warned, but Thorne shook his head.

"You can't keep doing this, Kai!" Thorne raged. "We all lost her, dammit! We all lost Cinder, Kai!" Thorne pinches his bottom lip before pointing an accusatory finger at Kai. "We Can't lose you too. Get your crap together _now._ "

Kai scrunched his brow together, trying not to cry at Thorne's tirade. He knew that he was acting childish, but he didn't care much anymore. "Go to Hell."

Thorne threw his hands in the air, and for a moment Kai thought that he would get hit for the second time in his life. Thorne didn't hit him.

"I'm not going to tell you to get over it, because I know that's impossible and it would be hypocritical for me to ask that of you, but you need to pull yourself together." Thorne hissed, turning his face away from Kai. Kai suspected Thorne didn't want him to see him cry.

"You don't want to ruin your life in these moments of pain. Don't burn all your bridges down and expect everyone to forgive you, because not everyone will." And then Thorne left, leaving Kai alone with Wolf.

Kai pushed himself away from Wolf, swiping at his leaking eyes. He looked down and saw Cinder's grave, the dirt spread all about the surrounding grass. Shame hit him like a lightning bolt, burning his senses as he fell before Cinder's final resting place.

He had gotten in a fight with Cinder's father over her own grave. He had fought with Thorne, her very best friend at her place of rest. There was something terribly wrong with him.

Wolf stood behind Kai, reaching down to pat him on the shoulder in a comforting sort of way. Kai closed his eyes, letting the tears fall to create mud on the grave.

"There's something awfully wrong with me." Kai sobbed, either to Wolf or Cinder, or maybe even himself.

Wolf said nothing, but continued to pat him on the shoulder as Kai cried.

He didn't know how to be the old Kai without Cinder. He didn't know how to keep on living, let alone how to keep the peace between all the broken shards Cinder had left behind. Everything was falling into a dark abyss, lost forever; and worst of all, Kai didn't know if he could ever find his way back.


	6. Something to Tell

"Kai," Cinder whispered, her face close to his, illuminated only by the soft glow of the moon. Her eyes were large and reflective, face pale and smooth under the stark luminescence of the sky.

Kai smiled at her, his eyes sleepy from waking, but pleased to see her in any shape or color. "Hey, Cinder," Kai whispered, drawing a hand out from his side to wrap around her waist. "What's up?"

He glanced at the dark clock on the wall, reading that it was nearly four in the morning. Cinder rarely woke him in the night, especially since his dad had become sick. She seemed to tread more lightly around him these days.

Cinder frowned, and Kai noticed for the first time that she had deep worry lines etched around her eyes. Had those always been there?

"Love?" Kai asked again, pulling her close to him.

A sad look came across Cinder's face, her eyes dark and melancholy. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in his shoulder as she let out a sob. Her body shook and he held her tighter.

"What's going on inside your head?"

Cinder shook her head against Kai's neck, her fine hairs tickling him. He rubbed gentle hands across her back, trying to comfort this devastated Cinder. It wasn't unusual for her to have night terrors— in fact, it was quite ordinary. Kai had just never seen her so sad.

"Cinder?" Kai tried again, but she only seemed to clutch him closer and cry louder. "What is it?"

For a moment, Cinder regained her composure. She pulled away from Kai, her skin glowing abnormally in the dim. Her face looked like that of an angel, her eyelashes sticky with tears. Kai wanted to hold her forever.

"Don't let me go," Cinder whispered.

"What?" Kai asked, hearing her words yet not understanding them. He was holding her as close as it was possible to be held.

"Don't let me go." Cinder repeated. "Don't let me go, even when you wake up."

"What are you talking about?" Kai questioned, wiping a tear from her cheek. "I'll never let you go. Not in a million years."

Cinder sighed sorrowfully, another tear sliding down her cheek. "Don't let me go." She said one last time, her skin lighting up to full glow, blinding Kai.

Kai closed his eyes against her brilliance, pulling her closer as he did so.

She was gone when he opened his eyes again; she had never been there.

***

The smell of eggs, bacon and tomatoes serve on toast wafted through the kitchen and to the small, scrub kitchen table. A loaded plate sat before Kai, nearly untouched. Wolf, who sat beside him was already finishing off his much larger portion, and with a single glance at the hulking man, Kai slid his plate over to Wolf.

No one had allowed Kai to go home alone that night, especially after his fight with Mr. Blackburn in the graveyard. Thorne had disappeared after the whole event, leaving Kai in Scarlet's hands. Scarlet had taken him in like a hen welcoming a lost chick back under her wing. She'd bandaged his few cuts and given him ice for his black-eye. Motherly, she had made him tea, set up the pull-out couch, and had nearly tucked him in— Wolf had saved Kai from that humiliation.

Kai had slept for the first time in a week; he wished he hadn't. The dream that had come to him in his moments of rest was disturbing, making him ache with sadness. Was Cinder trying to connect with him on a spiritual level, or was his heart hurting too bad to understand what was going on?

"You not hungry, Kai?" Scarlet asked, her voice lightly accented from her early childhood in France. She had lived there for only five years before her grandmother— who live in America— was given custody over Scarlet after her mother's abandonment and father's arrest. Kai would be forever grateful for the move, for it gave him Scarlet's friendship.

Kai tried to smile at her, but it came off as more of a grimace. "I'm not much of a breakfast person," Kai lied politely. "Thank you, though, Scar."

Scarlet smiled at him, but her eyes shown only sadness. She didn't eat anything either.

Kai felt his heart shrink with shame. Over the past week he had let his friends nurse him as if he were the only one hurting. Sure, he might have lost the most, but they were all in pain. He needed to listen to Thorne and pull himself together.

"Has Thorne turned up yet?" Kai asked, remembering his missing friend.

Scarlet put her head in her hands, rubbing her forehead with agitation. Wolf slid a hand across the table, touching her arm in comfort. Scar put her hand over top of his. Kai had to look away, their affection reminding him of all that he had lost.

"Cress said he came back early this morning." Wolf said, his voice at its normal low, husky cadence. "She thinks he was out drinking, but he won't talk to her. Apparently he hasn't talked to her hardly at all since..." Wolf trailed off, face defeated.

But Kai knew when since was.

Out of the eight friends, only Thorne and Cress weren't married. Wolf and Scarlet had tied the knot first, and had recently celebrated five years together. Jacin and Winter had followed less than a year later.

The couple had only been dating for a year and a half, but it was well known that Thorne had commitment issues. However, he was different with Cress— or at least Kai had thought he were. Cinder had been the one to set them up, and Cress had been instantly smitten, despite Kai's references on Thorne's behalf. Thorne treated Cress differently than most of the girls, and Kai believed it was only a matter of time before they got married. Maybe things would be different now that Thorne had lost his best friend.

"I'm sure it will be fine," Wolf said, mostly for Scarlet's benefit. She was crying now, though she hid her face well, not letting either of the men see her tears. She had always come off as so tough; it was frightening to see her cry.

Kai closed his own eyes for a moment, talking to Cinder from within his mind. He had found himself doing it in his moments of internal grief, when he felt his lowest. It was as if she was the voice living inside his head; or at least that way she would never die.

 _Why did you have to leave behind so many broken pieces?_ Kai asked her. _Why did you have to break all of us so much? Why did you leave us all when you were the only one holding everyone together?_

Cinder didn't respond to his silent inquires, though she never had in the past— even if Kai expected to hear her voice every time.

"Why don't we have a get-together?" Kai asked, a thought striking him. Scarlet lifted her head, wiping her red-rimmed eyes. "We could talk about all the good times. Try and fix... everything."

Silence met Kai's odd statement. He himself hadn't expected to say the words, but now that they were out, it felt right. They needed to be together, to talk, to be happy again. They needed to heal.

"Okay." Scarlet smiled, and for the first time in a week, Kai smiled back.

***

"I remember the first time I met Cinder," Cress giggled, leaning into Thorne's side. "Kai was smitten with her, so basically I knew that she had the biggest brown eyes and the softest laugh and all that type of stuff."

A couple of chuckles reverberated around Scarlet's living room. The group had gathered together in a small circle, sharing memories and fun stories of their lost friend. Tears had been shed, along with laughter, and sometimes even silence. There was a sort of comfort that came from the mess of words and emotions.

"I was expecting this model who was absolutely gorgeous," Cress smiled, pressing her fingers to her lips out of nervous habit. Cress was always awkward in group settings, even amongst her closest friends. "But it was just Cinder, and that was so much better."

Cress looked down, playing with her fingers as she let out a small hiccup. They were all a little bit tipsy, but Cress—along with Kai—had always been the worst with her alcohol tolerance. "She wasn't exactly beautiful, but she was a million times better than that. I remember just being in awe with her, and how smart she was, and how she wasn't pretty. She was snarky, but never in a mean way. It was always sarcastic and fun. I always admired her for that."

Scarlet, who sat on Cress's other side, put a hand on her knee, smiling. Kai felt his own lips turning up, and welcomed the feeling of being happy again.

"I knew Cinder from the time we were children," Winter said in her airy voice. "I always thought that she was the strongest person in the world. She protected me at all times, never leaving me, even after I was diagnosed."

"She kicked me in the shins the first time we met," Jacin said shortly, though his face split into an almost-smile. "We were like four or five, and I had told her that she couldn't play with Winter and I because we were older than her. She did not take it kindly." Laughter met this comment. Kai smiled, because that was exactly how Cinder was.

The radio played soft music in the background. Thorne had silently put in an old CD, letting Elvis Costello's voice whisper Cinder's favorite songs. Kai had never understood Cinder's love for the musician, finding his voice unattractive, and his lyrics harsh. Cinder had simply told him that that was his charm.

Scarlet moved forward in her creaky chair, a smile on her face. "Speaking of kicking people in the shins, remember that one time," Scarlet glanced around at Cress and Winter, "when we had a girl's night and that guy was hitting on her?" Scarlet said. Kai shifted in his seat, his interest piquing. He had never heard this story.

"Oh my stars," Cress laughed, nodding along with Scarlet. "The one that wouldn't leave her alone after proclaiming that they were soulmates?"

Scarlet chuckled, pointing a finger at Cress. "That's the one!"

"When was this?" Kai asked, wondering why Cinder had never mentioned this to him.

"Oh, I don't know." Scarlet said, voice still tainted with joy. "Maybe like a year ago, or something."

"Yeah," Cress chimed in. "You guys were married, and she told the guy so, but he wouldn't stop telling her that they were soulmates."

"But then she told him that she didn't believe in soulmates." Scarlet said, her laughter dying down, a more serious tone crossing her voice. Kai's memory was snagging on something that Cinder had once said to him, but he couldn't remember. He felt his hands grow cold and clammy.

"And after he still wouldn't leave her alone, she kicked him in the shins." Cress said, and the girls began to giggle again.

Everyone was laughing now, but Kai couldn't feel any of their joy. Something was trying to be found within his mind, but he couldn't catch it. There was something wrong about their story, some sort of fact, but he couldn't figure it out.

Kai looked around the room, and noticed for the first time that Thorne also wasn't laughing. His face was abnormally pale, and he was avoiding eye-contact with Kai as best as he could. He seemed guilty— like he was hiding something.

"Wait," Kai said, realization hitting him. "Cinder said she didn't believe in soulmates?" Kai clarified, looking at Scarlet.

"Yeah," Scarlet snickered. "And then she kicked the guy-"

"But she told me she _did_ believe in them." Kai protested, his voice rising. "We were talking about it in the car, right before the accident. It was one of the last things she told me, that she thought we were soulmates. She was very firm on the point."

Scarlet stopped laughing, tilting her head as if to inspect him. "She probably just changed her mind on the point. People can change their opinions. It happens every day, Kai."

Kai shook his head, the pieces not matching up. Cinder never changed her mind; she was too stubborn. Kai had never known Cinder to admit to being wrong, and he knew that something as trivial as the belief in soulmates was no different.

"But-"

Thorne stood up all of a sudden, his pallor green, as if he were being eaten away from within. Kai felt worry overcome him. Was Thorne sick?

"Thorne?" Cress asked from beside him, her melodic voice gentle as she reached for his hand. Thorne shook it away.

"Thorne?" Kai echoed his friend's words, a feeling of dread coming over him as Thorne continued to stare at the floor. "What's going on?"

The pallor in Thorne's face was that of death. He closed his eyes tightly, as if he never wanted to open them again. He was crying.

"Thorne?" Cress asked again, but he only flinched. Kai wondered if he was having some sort of panic attack that made him unable to speak.

"I can't do this." Thorne croaked, and it was only then that Kai realized it was the first time Thorne had spoken that night. Cinder's best friend had been silent for hours, never piping up to share his favorite memories of Cinder. Thorne was suffering some internal torture over Cinder. Something was wrong.

Thorne stared Kai right in the eyes, his own red and zombie-like. Kai wondered if he too hadn't slept in the past week. "Kai," Thorne choked, something in his voice all too wrong.

"What?" Kai asked, a dark cloud hovering in his vision. Something was _seriously_ wrong.

Thorne's face pinched and turned away from Kai as if he was a bright light in Thorne's eyes. His hands were shaking violently, his entire body looking reluctant to come into any sort of contact with Kai.

"There's something I have to tell you." Thorne whimpered. "Something about Cinder. I-I..." Thorne buried his face in his hands. Now his entire body was shaking. "I'm so sorry." Thorne sobbed.

And that's when Kai realized that _something_ wasn't wrong— everything was.


	7. The Secret Kept Forever

There had once been a time when Kai thought he knew Cinder Blackburn. He had assumed that she told him everything based on the fact that he told her everything. He had believed that she would never keep a secret from him simply because he thought she didn't have secrets. He had been wrong on every point.

Cinder Blackburn was an enigma, and it took her death for Kai to discover that much about her. Close to two years of marriage and seven years knowing each other had given him only the basic facts. Without Cinder Blackburn, the living, breathing mystery, she was a web of secrets and lies.

But had she even known that about herself?

Since Cinder's death, Kai had discovered numerous things about her— both things she had and hadn't known. He had unearthed the origin of her nickname: Cinder. He had been told that her father had never truly loved her and why. He had revealed that she was a liar. He had found out too many things about Cinder since her death. He didn't know if he could handle another secret.

Thorne dragged Kai outside and away from all their friends, his hands ice cold and clammy as they clutched Kai's wrist. Thorne had been very vague on whatever it was that he needed to tell Kai, but it was clear that it was urgent.

Possibilities swirled throughout Kai's brain, though each one made less sense than the next. How many secrets could one person have? What was the point of it all? Had Cinder ever truly trusted Kai with anything? Was their relationship ever real?

Kai thought back to their last conversation and how nervous Cinder had been. She had wanted to tell him something then, but what was it?

All of a sudden, Thorne stopped in his trail, Kai almost walking into him at the abruptness of the action. Thorne had stopped crying, his face now scared as he turned to look at Kai. There was shame in his eyes like there had been back in Scarlet's living room.

"What is it, Thorne?" Kai asked, unable to bear the tremendous torturous suspense. "What the hell is going on?"

The sun was setting over the valley, the clouds dusty yellow under deep blue sky. The color contrasted heavily with the red rocks of Phoenix, but there was a certain luster to it.

A soft summer breeze swept the hair off of Kai's face, blowing it wayward as he stared at a guilty Thorne.

"Just tell me what's going on, Thorne." Kai pleaded. "I deserve to know if it is about her." Kai suspected that Thorne had the intention of telling him—considering that he had basically dragged Kai from the house—but Thorne seemed at a loss for words as he stared at the dusty clouds under an inky sky.

Thorne turned to look at Kai, and a feeling of unease came over Kai. Suddenly, he didn't want to know whatever Thorne had to tell him. He didn't want Cinder's memory ruined, even at the expense of his curiosity.

"Promise you won't hate me," Thorne said, his voice wavering slightly at his words, though his eyes remained clear and desperate. Thorne grabbed Kai violently by his shirt, his eyes crazed as he clutched Kai. "Promise me, Kai."

Kai tried to shove away from Thorne, his brain screaming at him to yell for help. Whatever was happening wasn't good. Thorne wasn't mentally stable at the very least, and at the most... Kai didn't want to think what could happen.

"Let me go!" Kai yelled, pushing away from Thorne, his shirt ripping in the process.

Thorne seemed to realize his actions in that moment, lowering his head back into his hands and sobbing. He began to mutter something that Kai couldn't understand, pulling at his hair until Kai feared he would rip it all out.

"Stop that, Thorne!" Kai yelled, his brain shifting from defense to assistance. He was frightened of the new Thorne, but he didn't want him to hurt himself. "Thorne!" Kai screamed.

Thorne stopped. He dropped his hands to his sides, hair mussed and eyes sad. He no longer looked insane, but broken. He was only a shell of the man he had once been, and Kai felt fully responsible for it. Kai had been the one to kill Cinder, afterall.

"Please," Kai begged to the broken man. "Please just tell me what happened with Cinder. I deserve that much."

"I should have told you sooner," Thorne moaned, his eyes unable to meet Kai's. He looked miserable at best.

"What should you have told me?" Kai prodded. He found it ironic how their roles had changed over the past couple days. He wondered if he had been this messed up during the days after Cinder's death.

Thorne breathed in and out a couple of times before responding. He looked to terribly sad. "I talked to Cinder, that day she died. She and I went out to lunch like we always do on either of our birthdays." Thorne began. Kai had known this much, but he sensed something more than turkey sandwiches in this story.

"We were having a good time like we always do. I said stuff that made her mad, and then we would fight and then we would laugh. It was the _perfect_ day." Thorne mused, his voice wistful. "It was the perfect day," he repeated.

"It was too perfect." Thorne corrected. "I couldn't keep it from her anymore. I just couldn't bottle it up inside of me any longer. It was torture! You would know; you went through the exact same thing. You can't tell me that I'm crazy!" Thorne exclaimed.

Kai stared at Thorne, not understanding his words. Nothing Thorne said made any sense to him whatsoever. "What are you talking about, Thorne?" Kai asked. "What did you tell Cinder?"

"I told her my secret," Thorne said, a single tear slipping down his cheek. "The secret I've kept to myself since I was eight-years-old. The secret that I kept, even after I finally got to be with her and screwed up with my own stupidity. The secret I kept forever!" Thorne sobbed silently, shoulders shaking with every breath.

"What secret, Thorne?" Kai asked yet again. Thorne had told him seemingly every detail to his crime except for the words he had spoken to Cinder. "I don't understand-"

"I LOVED HER!" Thorne screeched, his voice cracking on the words. "I loved her," Thorne whispered, more to himself that to Kai. "I loved her more than anything in the world, and she chose you. She chose you." Thorne clenched his jaw shut and turned away from Kai. He appeared to be in physical pain, but Kai could do nothing to comfort him.

Kai couldn't believe the words that had just been relayed to him. How could Thorne, Cinder's best friend proclaim his love for her now? What was the point? Why was it necessary?

Thousands of thoughts, memories and fears twisted agonizingly within Kai's mind all at once. Had Cinder ever loved him? Was it all just an act? Was Thorne lying? Why had Cinder never told him? Why was all of this happening?

Why was Cinder gone when everything in his life was falling apart?

"Why?" Kai asked aloud, unsure whether he was talking to Cinder or Thorne. Maybe he was speaking to himself. Did it even matter anymore?

Thorne stayed with his back to Kai, emitting small sniffles at various intervals. "Because I would have been so much better for her." Thorne said. "I could have taken care of her better than you. I would have been there for her more than you _ever_ were."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kai growled, his anger awakening yet again.

"It means," Thorne spat, "that I was always there for her when you weren't. Aces, Kai, you are so self-absorbed. You hardly even knew your own wife!" Thorne threw his hands in the air before bringing them back down and into clenched fists.

Kai thought back on all of his time with Cinder, remembering all the moments she had been there for him. He could recall her comforting him every single time he was down. She had always picked him back up every moment he fell down.

Had he ever done the same for her?

"She came to me to ask for help when you two started running out of money." Thorne continued. Now that he had started, Kai didn't think he would stop. "She told me not to tell you because you had enough going on with your dad. She worked _so many_ shifts at that stupid mechanics shop all for you!" Thorne jabbed a finger at Kai's chest before clenching his fists tightly. "She hardly ate! She never slept! All she did was work and worry about you!"

Angry tears made an appearance in both sets of eyes. Kai didn't know what to do. He wasn't sure how to made the tirade stop— to end the ruthless attack. Thorne didn't appear to be running out of words anytime soon either.

"Did you ever even notice?" Thorne said, his voice cracked and broken from his yelling. "Did you even care about Cinder? Oh wait, you must not have because you're the guy who killed her!"

Kai shut his eyes, and now his fists were clenched. He wanted to hate Thorne for his harsh words, yet somehow he couldn't come up with a single utterance to his defense. He had been selfish. He hadn't been enough. _He had killed her._

Kai wondered why Thorne had taken care of him over the past days if he truly hated him as much as he proclaimed. There must have been more guilt in his heart than he was letting on.

"What about Cress?" Kai asked, trying to divert the attack away from him if not directly defend himself. "What were you doing with her while you were in love with my _wife_? Was it all just some sort of sick game to you?"

Thorne looked down abashedly, running a hand through his sandy hair. "Cress is an incredible woman," Thorne muttered. "But Cinder and I, we were soulmates. I know that despite everything, we were- are soulmates. I even told her. I told her that, and she still rejected me! She couldn't see what was right in front of her own damn eyes!"

So that was where her talk of soulmates had spurred from. She knew that if she did have a soulmate, it wasn't Thorne. Kai felt a small amount of comfort from the thought— a very small amount.

"But she wasn't in love with you," Kai said, remembering his wife's words. "She told me herself. She loved you, but only in as her very best friend. You guys grew up together. you Were as close as it could get. But she was _in_ _love_ with me." Kai asserted, his words coming harsher than he had meant them to. But really, how was he supposed to treat the guy who was in love with his wife?

"You don't think she told me that?" Thorne sneered, his voice sharp and darker than Kai had ever heard it before. "She made it clear to me that we would never be anything more than friends. She chose you. She chose you!" Thorne threw his hands in the air again, his words devastated. His face screwed up in complete and utter torment. There was no salvation for that kind of pain.

Kai felt a small amount of pity for the man. He completely understood his position of undying love, but in Thorne's case, it was unrequited. Kai himself had declared his feelings to Cinder much as Thorne had, but that was different. Cinder hadn't been married then.

"She wouldn't even hear me out." Thorne cried. "But she didn't know. She was in denial. If she could've only seen how toxic your guys' relationship was she-"

But Thorne didn't get to finish his sentence. In fact, he didn't say anything as Kai leapt forward and socked him in the face.

Kai hit Thorne over and over again, punching him with all the rage buried deep in his heart. The anger at Cinder's death. The frustration that had built up at the discovery of all her secrets. The uncontrollable ache that reminded Kai that he was unconditionally and irrevocably alone in the world.

Thorne didn't fight back. He never put up a hand to defend himself, even as Kai hit him with blow after blow until Wolf somehow appeared and pulled Kai off someone Cinder had cared for for the second time in two days. Thorne never even let out a whimper.

"Let go of me!" Kai screamed. "Let go of me! I have to- I can't- you bastard!" Kai couldn't assemble his thoughts as he tried to reach for Thorne. He wanted to hurt him. He wanted me o hurt him bad.

Thorne never said anything during those moments, even as his nose bled and his cheek began to bruise. He didn't dare look Kai in the eyes, and maybe it was because he knew that what he had done was wrong. Or perhaps it was because he no longer cared.

Kai knew he no longer cared either, for what else could have made him hit Thorne with such ferocity? He had bloodied his hands against the bones of Thorne's face, and yet his rage never quieted.

There was something ironic about the fact that Kai had gotten in two fights over the past two days for complete opposite reasons. Chandler Blackburn had felt no love for his daughter while Carswell Thorne felt too much for her. It was so terribly wrong.

"What is going on?" Scarlet yelled, pointing a finger first at Kai and then at Thorne. "Why are you two fighting?"

Neither of them spoke. Kai didn't have anything to say to Scarlet. He didn't have anything to say to anyone. He didn't want to be with them anymore. He wanted to be alone. He _needed_ to be alone.

Thorne shoved himself away from Jacin without a word, Jacin cursing after him. Thorne didn't contribute a single utterance to any of them as he got in his car and drove away.

Kai wondered if he would ever see Cinder's friend again, or if he was gone for good. He wasn't entirely sure which option he preferred.

"What was that?" Scarlet asked, her voice low and suspicious. "Kai, please tell us what is going on. Why is your shirt ripped? Why were you hitting Thorne?" Scarlet's voice became desperate. "Kai, you need to let us help you. We can work it all out."

Kai shook his head, suddenly feeling exhausted. He couldn't tell them all what had happened. He couldn't admit his own faults in his relationship. He couldn't admit to himself that everything Thorne had said was true. He just couldn't.

"Can someone please take me to my apartment?" Kai asked, voice a near whisper. "I want to go back."

Protests met his words, but he didn't say anything. He meant what he had said. He meant his thoughts as well. There was no way he could ever tell any of them what Thorne had just told him. He could never admit it aloud, even if it made him a coward. All he wanted now was to go home.

Kai knew he should have been surprised by his unrelenting need to go home, but he wasn't. He hadn't been able to consider it home without Cinder there, but something had changed. Kai may not have figured out Cinder Blackburn, but somehow he knew that all of her secrets were out— and maybe that was all the closure he needed.

"I want to go home."


	8. One Last Time

The headstone was marked with a death date of only seven months previously. An unusually small gap in years laid between the two dates that marked the marble: less than twenty-eight years.

Wilted flowers rested upon the leveled grave, their scent and beauty long gone. The grass that grew over top the grave was the deepest shade of green—healthy and strong due to the end of summer and the moisture of an Arizona fall.

Wind rustled like a song throughout the graveyard. The cemetery was nearly empty, save for the boy who stood before the grave marked with his own last name. He was somber and silent, a mere statue amongst ghosts.

Kai bent down in front of the grave, black suit wrinkling as he scooped up the withered flowers and replaced them with fresh carnations. The brilliant red petals were shocking in contrast against the white marble and green grass; the crimson was the brightest spot of color in the world as far as Kai could tell.

"Hey, Cinder," Kai spoke aloud, kneeling down before her headstone. He brushed his fingers along her name with a gentle touch, as if it were her, and not the place that marked her final remains. "I thought I'd come visit you one last time before I go."

There was no response to Kai's words, but there never had been. He often liked to speak to Cinder in moments of silence, but something about being where she was made him believe that she could actually hear him from wherever she resided beyond the grave. He hoped that she could hear him.

In the months since Cinder's passing, Kai had struggled to find himself. He had discovered stuff about Cinder that he had never known before. He had felt anger towards her for a time, and then with himself. Now he could feel nothing but the brokenness inside of him.

"I just got back from my father's funeral," Kai said, gesturing at the suit, his voice calm despite the sadness. He was a man who had lost everything but himself, and yet somehow he was still alive. It was more devastating than dying.

"It's been really hard without you here," Kai whispered, his voice soft, but not without emotion. "I had to go to the funeral alone." Kai turned his face to the ground, placing his palms flat against the earth. "Scar offered to come, but she just had the baby, and I didn't want to bother her."

Kai sighed, his face only half as troubled as his heart. "Did I tell you they named the baby after you?" Kai asked, a smile lighting his face as he thought of their conversation.

Scarlet had been hesitant to pose the question, seeing how their intention had been to announce the big news at Thorne's birthday party. Her eyes and voice had never been as gentle as in the moment she asked Kai permission to name their little girl after Cinder. It had been only three months after her death.

"Scar and Wolf asked me permission and everything. I told them that you would have loved it. I thought it was a beautiful way to honor your memory. I hope I was right." Kai stroked the grass, his chest aching.

The wind brushed Kai's hair off his forehead, just like Cinder had once done— just like it always did when she was near with him. A warm feeling flooded Kai's chest, and he knew that somehow, somewhere, Cinder was listening to him speak to her.

"Everyone is doing good these days." Kai said, deciding that he would tell her everything now and with her instead of silently in his own head. He would share all that she had left behind before he too left. "Well, almost everything is good. Everything is better at the very least," Kai corrected himself.

"No one knows where Thorne is. I haven't seen or heard of him since that night he told me he was in love with you." Kai ran a hand through his hair, threading stray grass through it. "I'd like to think he moved on, started over; but deep down, I know he didn't." Kai confessed. "I've come to forgive him. I mean," Kai brushed his fingers across the death date on the headstone, wishing that that day had never existed. "I did the same thing. Sure, circumstances were different, but you were the most lovable person I ever knew."

Kai bit his lip, remembering another time at this exact same spot when Cinder's father had proclaimed that he had never loved his daughter. At the time, Kai had been filled with anger; now he only felt pity. Chandler Blackburn must have been truly miserable if he couldn't find it within himself to love Cinder.

Though words of a detesting manner had been spoken above her final resting place, Kai had never told her their conversation. He liked to believe that Cinder could hear him and his soliloquy, but he prayed that she had never heard the words of her father. She didn't deserve it.

"Your father is still married to Adri," Kai said, and for once, he felt that at the very least, Chandler Blackburn deserved to be with someone just as awful as he was. "I don't think he could bear to be away from Peony," Kai lied, but smiled all the same. "She misses you a lot, you know. She cries every time someone brings you up." Kai paused, playing with stray grass in his palm. "I've only just stopped doing that myself, if I'm being completely honest." Kai whispered this, unsure if he wanted Cinder to know how much her death had hurt him.

"Everyone else is doing good, though," Kai said. "Winter was struggling for a while, but she's stopped having visions of you, so that's an improvement." The wind blew again, a silent presence. "Jacin is taking good care of her. Cress is still pretty devastated over Thorne, but she met this girl named Iko and they've grown close." Kai smiled. "I think that she'll be fine. They'll all be fine."

He couldn't include himself in his words. As an observer, he could see the healing taking place amongst his friends. Being him, he could only continue to find every broken piece still cluttering his heart.

Kai shifted, sitting on the ground with his legs crossed in front of him. Everything was serene in the graveyard as the sun set on a cloudless day. The sky was a deep lavender, fading into an even darker purple. It was beautiful.

"I quit my job," Kai said, unsure why the words had come. He hadn't intended to tell her this despite telling her everything, but now that the words were out, he couldn't take them back. "I just couldn't do it anymore. I can't do any of the old things anymore. Even journalism reminds me of you, even though you didn't do it with me. You always were there for me, though.

"My dad told me to pursue whatever I needed to find peace. That was one of the last things he told me before..." Kai paused, turning his face away from the sunset to look at Cinder's name etched in marble. "I've decided to listen to him."

Silence set over cemetery, but somehow it wasn't scary. As a child, Kai had been scared of graveyards, always fearing the dead. Now that he knew an angel rested amongst the others, he was no longer frightened.

Kai thought back on all of his memories of Cinder. It was still odd to him that she was no longer a present fixture, but a memory.

He remembered their first meeting, how awestruck he had been by her kind, sassy personality. He could recall exactly the way she had laughed: her face tilted to the side slightly, lips parted and smiling against dimple-less cheeks. She had talked with personality, never for a second betraying who she was deep inside.

Memories of all their movie nights with boxes of pizza and stale Redvines. Their days at the Café while talking about everything. The first time he took her on a date. Their first kiss that she had initiated by grabbing his face and pulling him in. Their wedding, both small and perfect. A marriage both short and infinite. A lifetime of love packed into so few years.

She had always been the same Cinder, through their friendship, dating, and marriage. She had never changed for him, and he had never changed for her, but because of her. Her life was the most honest and beautiful existence the world would ever see.

"I don't want to leave," Kai said, his eyes stinging, a sob rising in his chest. "I can't hardly bear the thought of leaving you here, alone, but I can't stay. It's too much to live this way. I tried— I really did," Kai choked on the words. "I just can't do it anymore."

Kai wiped at his face, snot smearing the coat sleeve of his suit. He was scared of what he was about to do. The thought of leaving this place forever, the life in which he had loved Cinder, it terrified him. But he needed peace. He needed to start over.

"I hope that you can forgive me." Kai whispered. "I hope that maybe someday we'll be able to find each other again, that we can fix everything that happened."

"And I want you to know that I forgive you," Kai said, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. "I was angry— I know I hardly had any right to be, but I was. The whole Thorne thing and all the other stuff just made me mad."

Silence hummed through the yard, but Kai could still feel Cinder's presence. It was as if she were in front of him, watching him wordlessly with her intelligent brown eyes and serious face. "But I know that through our entire relationship, you never lied to me. I know I blamed you for it, but you never did. You were true at all times, and I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful and perfect person to have been married to than you."

Tears slid down Kai's cheeks in rapid succession. He had been keeping everything in for so long, the hurt continuing for an aching eternity. Now that he was confessing, he felt nothing but relief.

There was something so releasing about saying the complete and honest truth. He could explain everything that had been on his mind and inside his worries for the past months, because no one but the dead could judge; and Cinder had never been anything but fair.

"Thank you for being the person I needed most in my life. There was never..." Kai broke off, shutting his eyes against the flood of tears. "There was never, ever a time when I didn't love you."

Kai sat there for a moment, sobbing silently into his hands. He rested his forehead against the cool headstone, letting his tears fall onto the marble. For a moment, Kai thought that Cinder would reach out and embrace him for one last time. She didn't.

When Kai rocked back and away from the headstone, it was crying. His tears slid down the stone as if it had shed the sad moisture by itself. Kai wiped the tears away.

For one more moment, Kai stared at the grave. Then he pushed himself off the ground, not wiping his face of the grief it held. He wanted his last moments with her to be the most honest of his entire life. He owed it to her.

Kai stood, and as he stared down at Cinder's grave, he felt himself let everything go once and for all. He was free.

"I want you to know," Kai whispered as he took his final glance at his love's place of rest. "That you were the greatest love... I have ever known. There is nothing in this world that could make me forget you."

One final tear slid from Kai's eye, but this time he smiled. "I love you," Kai said, memorizing the taste of the words on his lips for one last time. He hesitated before leaving forever, watching the peaceful environment of the graveyard. He waited for her to say something back, even as he turned, and left the cemetery forever.

He longed for her to answer his words as she once had; but all that was left was _the echo of silence._


End file.
